Funny Thread

A wretched hive of scum and villainy . Gather here to talk about everything else , even non-Star Wars related . Just keep it PG rated please. ;)

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Impulse
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Post by Impulse » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:37 pm

How To Get To Heaven

Just wanted to share something how simple life is to kids.
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
that get me into Heaven?"




"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to
all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me
into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"





A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Sun Jul 16, 2006 11:10 am

Lawl . Ok thats extremely funny . Really funny!!
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Post by Impulse » Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:42 pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN:"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure....Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN:"Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop’s expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer. All the while, the Cop kept saying...

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One day Matthew was in church talking to the priest. He was asking all kinds of questions dealing with god and religion..

Matthew: father is God in my house?

Priest: Yes my son, God is everywhere

Matthew: father is God in my mum’s car when she’s driving?

Priest: Yes my son God is everywhere

Matthew: OK, father is God in Andy's garage?

Priest: Yes my son God is everywhere

Matthew: father.....

Priest: Yes

Matthew: your a Fakin liar!! Andy doesn’t even have a garage

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

But now he felt like his rear end was going to blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're ****tin' all over the bed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that The baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the Keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He Gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his Father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your Own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound Asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
**** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.
"What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What do ya got in it?"
To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man..

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry to have upset you," the woman says as she pops
her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap - - - and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The bloke is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
everyone you meet?"

"No," she replies........."





















"You just happened to catch my eye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room. When the hospital
director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being
discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:15 pm

... LAWL!!! All funny jokes . A few I know .
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Impulse
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Post by Impulse » Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:00 pm

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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:23 am

lawl!!!! My friend beside me even said so . Kind of funny .I'm at school right now . Hehe. His computer forbid him to go to Lego website akaka[/list]
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Impulse
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Post by Impulse » Sat Jul 29, 2006 4:48 pm

Old stuff.... about NKF rubbish...


Dialogue from NKF court hearing


Clerk: Hear me hear me; the judge is in the house. All please rise.
*Everyone rises*

Judge: So which case am I presiding today?
Clerk: Your honour, please refer to case #324, NKF’s defamation suit against SPH.
Judge: Sounds exciting. Will the defending counsel like to proceed?
Counsel Singh: Your honor, I like to call the plaintiff Mr TT Durai to the stand.
*Mr Durai approached the stand*

Clerk: Mr Durai, will you please place your right hand on the Bible and do solemnly swear …
Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour! My client is a Hindu.
Judge: Who cares?
*Everyone laughs*

Judge: Joking lah, objection sustained.
*The bible is promptly replaced with a set of Hindu scriptures*

Clerk: Mr Durai, will you place your right hand on the scriptures and do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the god damn truth, god damnit.
Durai: I do.
Clerk: You may now kiss the bride.
*Everyone laughs again*

Judge: *Wiping tears from his eyes* oh man, that joke never fails to crack me up. Well done, Clerk. Counsel Singh, you may carry on.
Counsel Singh: Mr Durai, have you at any point of time installed a gold-plated tap in your company bathroom?
Durai: No, I don’t.
Counsel Singh: LIAR YOUR HONOUR! HE’S A LIAR!
Judge: *Startled* Ni nabeh, you nearly make me pee in my pants.
Counsel Singh: Pardon my sudden outburst your honour, I will like to call upon my first witness, Ms Yati Sudoharto, maid of the plaintiff.
*A woman approaches the stand*

Counsel Singh: Ms Yati, while you were cleaning Mr Durai’s office, do you happen to notice a gold-plated tap in the bathroom?
Yati: Apa ini?
Counsel Singh: Nice one Yati, trying to play dumb with me is it?
Yati: Apa?
Counsel Singh: Apa indeed Ms Yati, but you don’t foll me one bit.
Yati: Apa apa?
Counsel Singh: If you apa one more time, Yati, I’m going to shove the apa up your ass and then it will really be apa ini for you. Ya hear me. Let me ask you again, did you or did you not see the gold-plated tap?
*Long silence*

Counsel Singh: Come on , but you don’t fool me one bit.
Yati: Apa apa?
Counsel Singh: If you apa one more time, Yati, I’m going to shove the apa up your ass and then it will really be apa ini for you. Ya hear me. Let me ask you again, did you or did you not see the gold-plated tap?
*Long silence*

Counsel Singh: Come on Yati, no one can help you now. Why don’t you just spit it out?
*Yati spits on the floor*

Counsel Singh: Kaninah, I don’t mean this kind of spit lah.
*The whole court erupted with laughter*

Counsel Singh: Yati, if you still avoid the question, the court will have no choice but to send you back to Bandah Aceh, and we all know what Aceh is like right now don’t we? Hur hur.
Yati: Your bad person. Yati no like you.
Counsel Singh: Like I care Yati, like I care. One last time Yati, Did you see the gold-plated tap?
Yati: Yah lah.
Counsel Singh: Ah ha! *Looking smug* What do you have to say now, Mr Durai?
Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour! CounselSingh is showing off!
Judge: Overruled. Being MM Lee’s personal lawyer, it’s only right we allow Counsel Singh to show off once in a while. Counsel Singh please carry on.
Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. Mr Durai, will it occur now to you that your defamation suit against SPH, my client, now appears to be ill-conceived?
Durai: Damn you Singh, damn you and your turban.
*Whole court erupts with laughter again*

Counsel Singh: Very funny, Mr Durai, very funny. Your honour, to “kill� off this case, I will like to call upon, none other than “The Contractor�, who installed the gold-plated tap.
*The whole room goes OoOoOoOoOoOoOo, some even soiled their pants*
*An ah pek with a mole and big yellow boots approaches the stand*

Counsel Singh: Mr Contractor, am I correct to say that you are the one responsible in installing the gold-plated tap?
Contractor: Hah nah.
Counsel Singh: Were you asked to install the gold-plated tap?
Contractor: Si lah, that ah neh there said he only wanted the best, so he chose the gold-plated tap from the catalogue lor. I sibeh buay song after that becos hor how can anyone earning peanuts can waste money lidat one. Li kong si mi si?
Durai: *Agitated* Ok damnit, we did installed a gold-plated tap, I admit it! But I see nothing wrong with it, it was entirely within the guidelines and regulations of the board. Counsel Singh: You know Mr Durai, with regards to what you just said, we Sikhs have an old saying, “milakum nahbahsoli krisnatham�, it means “What a pile of bull****�.

Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION you honour, Counsel is insulting my client.
Judge: Overruled, not only Counsel Singh is allowed to show off, but he is also entitled to make sarcastic insults now and then. No choice mah, MM Lee’s personal; lawyer.
Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. With the testimonials, we can conclude that y client, SPH, has in no way defamed Mr Durai in any capacity. As such I will like your honour to end the session now and throw out this suit not only becos its ridiculousness but also because I’m getting hungry.

Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour, I haven’t had my turn yey.
Judge: Objection my ass, I’m getting hungry too. Let’s adjourn for makan before resuming the session.
Clerk: Hear me hear me; the Judge is leaving for makan. All rise
*Everyone rise and leaves for makan*
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Sat Jul 29, 2006 7:50 pm

.. No idea what that joke meant . REAL Bad joke .
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Impulse
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Post by Impulse » Sun Jul 30, 2006 12:42 am

Ok this one I gonna put may be old, and definitely not a joke, but something relevant to the context of 'funny thread'

Fact of the day :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. !
(Now that's more like it!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death! .
(Creepy)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I'm still not over the pig.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Sun Jul 30, 2006 9:25 am

Lawl! Some basic science indeed .

Here's some joke's from Habbolitez.com :

Two layers with sandwiches


Two lawyers go into a cafe and order two drinks. Then they produce sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter become quite concerned and marches over and tells them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here." The lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and exchange sandwiches.


Scroll down for explanation .















Explanation :

Since the two lawyers can't eat their own sandwiches, so they exchange with each other. That means, they are not eating their own sandwiches.






Eating out




Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, Honey."
The English husband says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, Sugar."
The Australian husband says to his wife, "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow."


This joke is just in the name of good clean fun

[/b][/i]
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Post by Impulse » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:41 pm

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL of the Story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Sun Aug 13, 2006 10:44 am

... Darn . If I encounter somebody like that .. I'd run for my life .
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

Faith is Eternal.

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Impulse
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Post by Impulse » Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:50 pm

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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erase
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Post by erase » Wed Aug 16, 2006 7:49 am

:lol: thanks real funny...
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Red_Fox2006
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Post by Red_Fox2006 » Thu Aug 17, 2006 12:15 pm

.. LAWL!
The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.

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